The Buddy Syndrome: Always the Friend

"I like you. But as a friend."

How many times have you heard this line? To a man, loosely translated, that means "You are not physically attractive. I would never in a million years have sex with you. I find you nice in a brotherly, never-going-to-happen sort of way."

Every man at some time will encounter a woman who wants to define their relationship as "friends." However, if you find that you are always the friend and never the lover, there is a problem in the level of masculinity that you are projecting. Some men who are apprehensive about relationships, submerge their sexual energy to unconsciously avoid the prospect of engaging in a real relationship.

Others feel that they don't want to be perceived as a sexual aggressor like other men. They have heard that women do not like aggressive men. Perhaps they grew up in a predominantly female household and heard their sisters refer to men as "pigs." Other men don't want to feel that they are intruding on a woman and making her uncomfortable with sexual advances. They take no action at all. This is usually in an effort to avoid rejection.

So ultimately what happens is nothing. The woman feels no sexual energy radiating from the man and then sees him as asexual, like a good buddy or empathetic friend. The man is secretly longing for an intimate relationship and doesn't know what he is doing wrong.

What Makes A Man Friendly And Not Sexy?

Why does a woman say no to the possibility of a romantic relationship? The woman may not feel attracted to you physically. Therein lies the problem. Unless a woman feels sexually attracted to a man, she will never think of him as a potential lover, but more like a brother, a friend or even a friendly acquaintance.

Why wouldn't a woman feel sexually attracted to a man, especially if he is reasonably good looking? First of all, most women are attracted to men on an emotional level, not by appearances alone. When it comes to attraction on an intellectual level, usually the emotional attraction still wins out. Therefore, women can be good friends with a man they don't desire.

In addition, a woman may pick up on ""unsexy qualities in a man such as social awkwardness, shyness caused by inexperience or a fear of rejection, poor conversational skills and a lack of self-confidence. But what if a man is confident and conversational, but still seems to have the buddy syndrome working against him?

Creating Sexual Tension

The problem in is that the man has done such a good job of presenting himself as a friend that a woman forgets that he is a sexual being. Men will often mask their sexual feelings with female friends as it's usually inappropriate in a traditional friendship. Men who are used to hiding their sexual feelings will not easily be able to flirt, to maintain romantic eye-contact and to create the "pheromones" that ordinarily start sexual relationships.

Men also have a tendency to please their female friends and avoid conflict. This works well in friendships but can work against a man in dating. Women usually aren't emotionally attracted to a man who is afraid to be assertive. Is it true what they say, that nice guys finish last? No...what is true, is that if you allow women to walk all over you, some will. Along with self-confidence, the quality of assertiveness is important to learn in establishing romantic relationships. Being assertive and honest earns respect from people in all avenues of life.

If you wish to turn a friend into a lover, then you must try and get to know your friend on an intimate level, not a friendly one. If you have been a woman's friend for a long period of time, this new behavior may catch her off guard. Yes, it's possible you may be rejected. But taking a chance in the name of love sure beats suffering in silence! Re-educate yourself on how to flirt, how to build intimacy and how to unleash your romantic side.

If you have had problems attracting women, or suffer from the buddy syndrome, then why not let sex therapy help you? Sex therapy is not only about treating sexual dysfunction but is also about learning important dating skills and how to better deal with women. A sex therapist can give you one-on-one counseling on how to improve your romantic life and find the partner you really want.

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tova@sextherapylosangeles.com