Desire Discrepency (mismatched sex drives)

A problem that can arise when two people, who are in a committed relationship,start to feel mismatched in their sexual desire. One may have a low appetite for sex and desire it occasionally, while the other partner may want sex more frequently. This is known as desire discrepancy or a libido imbalance.

What Does It Happen?

Desire discrepancy is one of the most common problems among couples. The imbalance can go towards either gender. Some women may lose interest in sex, leaving their man frustrated, or some men may become unresponsive leaving the woman unsatisfied. An imbalance has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction or even inhibition. It's not a physical dysfunction as much as it is a general psychological issue. Both partners might even be at their sexual peak. However, one may simply have a greater sexual desire than the other.

What seems to be typical is that when two future lovers first meet the less sexually active partner masks his or her sexual responsiveness for a time. What one partner might perceive as a great desire for sexual intimacy in the other, might actually be just polite acquiescence. Also, the excitement of a new sexual relationship could cause both partners to desire sex more than what would be their normal routine. After sexual activity starts occurring on a regular basis, the novelty of lust wears off. Even while love between partners may remain strong, the initial hot passion tends to subside. This is when desire discrepancy is discovered.

What To Do

The first thing to realize is that desire discrepancy is nobody's fault. It is not the fault of the man or the woman--it's simply a frustrating problem that two libidos are unevenly matched. Both lovers must realize that the discrepancy is not personal, and that getting angry and confrontational about it does not help matters. A committed relationship should be about love and selflessly trying to please not one's self, but the other partner. If one partner is sexually frustrated then it is a problem that both partners need to address. This type of problem will not go away by itself, nor is it fair to suggest that the other partner's desire is a flaw.

Sex therapists who treat this problem often find that a lack of communication and a lack of empathy for the other partner is what causes the discrepancy. The first point to remember is that nobody is at fault and everybody in the room wants to work the problem out. Personal attacks only escalate the situation. Consider these tips that will improve communication and help with desire discrepancy.

Masturbate To Prove Your Love

The attitude that masturbation in a relationship is offensive or insulting to the other partner is childish. Masturbation can equalize a large imbalance between partners. If one partner has a high sex drive and the other partner has already met him half way there, then masturbation may be what is needed to balance things out. Sex can be an act of love or it can be for physical gratification. You should not have to live without sex or force it on anyone. Make love to yourself and give your partner the night off--it's the kind thing to do.

Adjust Your Volume

Another ways an imbalance can be worked out is by having both partners adjust their libido for the other one. If one partner desires more sex, and isn't satisfied with masturbation, then it would be wise to stop stimulating excessive desire, such as indulging in pornography or hot romance novels. On the other hand, if one partner with a lower sex drive is trying to please their partner, then they might try boosting their libido through viewing sexual entertainment, fantasizing or touching themselves in anticipation of the encounter.

In addition, there is the need for compromise and maturity. Sometimes pleasing your partner can be just as rewarding as fulfilling your own needs. Sex is not always about lust and sensation; in committed relationships it has more to do with giving. If you are empathetic to your partner's needs then you will want to compromise. Compromising might involve taking turns on different nights--doing what the high-libido partner wants one night, and then the next night doing what the lower libido partner wants. (Which may be nothing) It could also involve one partner bringing the other to orgasm without any full-blown intercourse happening. Learning to compromise will improve your sex life, even the desire discrepancy and actually help strengthen your relationship.

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Dead Bed: Boredom In The Bedroom

In the beginning of a marri agerelationship,thesexishot.spanstyle='mso-spacerun:yes'> A couple may feel like they can't get enough of each other sexually. The erotic drive is strong. That's the honeymoon phase, where everything is new and exciting. Even if the relationship is loving and strong, the sexual desire that was once so strong may start to decrease. Couples get used to ordinary life together--working, paying bills, doing the laundry--and often get settled into routine sexual patterns.

But what happens when a couple not only gets used to each other, but actually gets bored of sex? This is not the same as a sexual mismatch, in which partners have different levels of sexual desire. Sexual boredom means, that although both partners would enjoy sex more often than they have it, they have simply run out of ideas on how to make each encounter a special, exciting activity. The massage oils, alluring lingerie, and erotic experimentation have given way to a sexual rut--perpetuating the same sexual routine over and over, each person almost on autopilot. This may be due to fatigue, stress, lack of initiative or relationship resentments. However, sex between committed couples doesn't have to be boring!

What Causes Dead Bead

What are some causes of a dead bed? Unresolved relationship issues are often at the center of sexual problems. If one mate is selfish and is uninterested in pleasing the other mate, then naturally the sexual part of the relationship will get boring fast. Stress, including the obligation of raising a family, may contribute to lower sexual desire. Another factor may simply be the self-defeating assumption that sex is only good in the first part of a relationship, and that it eventually dies down as the years pass. If you and your partner believe that, then it will come true.

Sex can also become boring just like any other activity can become tedious, when no imagination or energy is put into making the experience fun and enjoyable. If you view sex as a release of pent up sexual feelings rather than an erotic adventure that can be prolonged, explored--in another words, something very personal--then that sort of mechanical sex gets tiresome very quickly.

The Advantage Of Age

Relationships age like wine--if not properly stored and maintained, they can sour. However,if you take steps to keep the romance alive, then experience in a committed relationship can actually improve your sex life. Established couples have more trust than do new sexual partners. They are more comfortable in asking for something different in bed. There is more time to arrange for sex and to create the perfect mood in established relationships, than in new relationships where sex is often spontaneous. Boredom is what should be avoided, familiarity should be cherished.

It is true however that creativity and a certain amount of tact should be used when initiating sex under very familiar surroundings. Talking about sex dryly, in a matter-of-fact sort of way is not sexy and may contribute to the boredom. On the other hand, making romantic gestures and suggesting new ideas in the bedroom (as a lover, not as a scientist) can excite your partner. You have the ability to put fire and lust back into your relationship. It just takes a little effort--the same effort you would put forth in starting a new sexual relationship. So you might as well put forth that effort to please your mate instead of a stranger!

Ideas On How To Make Your Bed

Often times couples who attend sexual therapy, hoping to add more fire into their bedrooms, discover that their typical sexual routine is a repertoire based on year-one of their relationship. What is the significance of that? Consider that a couple's first year together is based mostly on sexual adrenaline. When you're newly in love then any little trick, no matter how predictable, feels wonderful because it's something new. But over time, a couple who relies on the same old tricks they learned from the first year together, will bore themselves into a pattern of predictable sexual behavior. The adrenaline wears off, the same body and face becomes familiar. Now is the time to progress to year-two of the sexual relationship!

Stubbornly sticking to the same well-worn practices in bed will kill spontaneity and curiosity. Therefore, it's important to introduce plenty of new ideas. (And don't worry, there are a lot of them out there!) Remember that sexual tastes can change over time. Both partners may assume that because year-one of the relationship taught them how to orgasm, that the exact same routine is required every time from opening kiss to final hug. But after sexual boredom sets in couples may desire something new in the bedroom. Perhaps trying something new can bring about better and longer orgasms. You never know until you try!

Some Ideas On How To Spruce Up Your Sex Life

* Sensate Focus

* Sensual Touching

* Erotic Baths

* Fantasizing Aloud

* Blind Tasting

* Room Decoration

* Role Playing

* Erotic Massage

* Improved Communication

* Pelvic Exercises

* Aphrodisiac Meals

Even if all else fails, do not give up on trying to enjoy a better sex life with your committed partner. A committed relationship is a beautiful thing and should not involve sacrificing sex for love. If your efforts prove unsuccessful talk to a sex therapist about arranging for sexual counseling. You can put back the sizzle in your bedroom.

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Sexual Aversion

Sex alone doesn't determine the happiness of a marriage or a committed relationship. But sexual compatibility remains an important part of any couple's life. The best sex happens when two people love each other and make a special effort to please one another. Sexual desire is a common need in any man or woman, and so if one partner is not satisfied that can become a problem.

The strength of a relationship is tested when one mate develops sexual aversion. This is defined as disgust, fear, or a lack of desire in sex while in a consensual relationship. While most therapy cases see the wife develop sexual aversion, there are also many husbands who start to lose interest in sex after a relationship develops over time.

Sexual aversion is an extreme attitude. It's not just that one mate doesn't feel like having sex on any given night. The attitude is chronic and the mate may find the thought of sex repulsive, with no further sexual appetite.

Some people may develop sexual aversion, while others may mask their aversion in the dating process to please the other mate. Remember that people get married or committed for many reasons besides sex including personality compatibility, money and position, as a means to escape their family life, to have children, and yes even out of boredom. For the partner with the sexual aversion sex is a tiresome chore; for the sexually active partner living without sex, and who is still expected to be faithful, this could be a nightmare.

What Causes Sexual Aversion

One reason sexual aversion develops is due to the fact that people are not always careful in the dating process. Not only do some mates "mask" their sexual desires (the sexually aggressive one behaves while the sexually inactive one exaggerates their desire) but both often get so carried away with the euphoria of a new relationship (not to mention things like money, convenience, hobbies) that they do not realize their lack of compatibility in other important areas. Later, in the bright light of reality, they discover their partner is not the person they thought they were, feel betrayed and disappointed and lose all interest in sex.

Also contributing to sexual aversion could be any number of factors in an individual's upbringing and developmental experiences. Childhood trauma, such as sexual abuse, can result in a person developing a fear of sex; a strict adolescent period in which a person is taught that sex was wrong or nasty; even a lack of education on how to have sex, could lead a person to develop an aversion to sexual feelings.

It's also possible that relationships problems, aggravated by poor communication, are getting in the way and dampening desire. If a couple is not communicating well, then any kind of sexual response, is problematic--especially if one mate has a lack of interest anyway.

Partners lapse into conflict or withdrawal neither of which encourages sexual activity.

How To Treat Sexual Aversion

The first thing to realize in treating sexual aversion is that there is a problem. Someone's sexual and emotional needs are not being met.

Sex therapy can help situations like this where sexual aversion has threatened the relationship. What is essential is that if both partners want to save the relationship, then compromise from both will be necessary.

Ignoring the problem or finding fault with the other mate will only make matters worse. If you or your partner are suffering from sexual aversion, ask for professional help. Sex therapy may be what you need to overcome the aversion and save the relationship.

Intimate Communication: How to Repair a Wounded Sex Life

Why is it so many beautiful people have serious sexual problems when it seems that sex should be relaxed and joyful? The basic act of sex is natural. It's downright instinctive, when it comes to the mechanics of intercourse.

But no one ever claimed that good sex is easy. On the contrary, becoming a good lover is a skill that must be learned. Many people assume that a person is born with sexual prowess and that figuring out what a sexual partner wants is elementary. But everyone starts out as a beginner when itcomestosex.spanstyle='mso-spacerunyes' With more experience and knowledge comes greater sexual fulfillment.

People often have the unrealistic expectation that if their partner loves them that person will automatically know how to please them--like sexual ESP. They will know exactly how to bring them to orgasm, how to touch and please without ever needing to ask a question. This is ludicrous since know one is a mind reader. But when an individual feels dissatisfied with their sex life, they may start to feel bitter, critical and disinterested.

For many couples, talking about sexual issues is painfully difficult. They often lack the basic communication skills to help them better understand each others sexual needs and help them resolve their problems.

The vocal chords are the most overlooked sexual organ in the body!

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Starting to Communicate

Intimate communication involves two partners communicating about sexual matters. For the couple that doesn't communicate about intimacy, they may not experience complete sexual fulfillment. The satisfaction of a couples' sex life is determined by meeting the desires and preferences of each partner.

Everybody responds differently to sex. Some may prefer touching while others may enjoy rougher contact. Maybe some partners like a little bit of both. What one person finds sexy the other person may find uncomfortable. How will you ever know what your partner wants unless you establish constructive intimate communication?

How Talking Things Through Can Help

How does a couple intimately communicate? Isn't it awkward and unromantic to speak about sexual matters? It may be. It might seem clinical or unromantic, but is it essential for long-term happiness. You are communicating erotic thoughts and possibilities to a partner who loves and trusts you. Talk together non-defensively, without criticism or blame and make sure your partner feels at ease.

Then start to talk about different things you would like to try sexually. Talk about your likes and dislikes. Clear the air regarding frustrations or resentments. Though it may seem awkward at first the more you talk openly about intimacy the more confident you will feel. Many couples are curious about new and sexy ideas, but feel too embarrassed to make such suggestions. Intimate communication provides both partners with the opportunity to express themselves honestly and deepen their relationship.

Using Nonverbal Cues

Another option is non-verbal communication. This is called "hand guiding." You simply take your partner's hand and show him with your own hand what you like. Let your partner know when he or she is doing something right with steady encouragement. Be an attentive partner and observe how your lover is reacting to your movements.

Give your partner feedback through sounds or moans to alert him that he is pleasing you. If necessary, guide his hand again so he understands how you like to be touched, the pressure and pace that you enjoy most.

Demonstrating what you want not only teaches your partner what you desire, it can also be a major erotic turn on.

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The Sex Drought: No Time for Sex!

"Of course, our sex life could be so much better if we only had the time!" That may be the feelings of many couples can't find the time for sex. With a full calendar of work activities, cultural events, meetings, or child obligations, it may seem like there is simply no time for sex. But if there is time to attend a meeting or class, there is always time for sex. Sometimes stress, distraction and fatigue play a role in squeezing sex off the calendar.

A Drought Is Deadly

In the early stages of dating, life seems to revolve around sex. There is newness, a lust that can push aside more reality-based issues. (What newlywed wouldn't take a day off work to have wild sex with his wife?) But when the novelty of sex wears off, couples usually find themselves getting back to work and daily routines with less emphasis on sex. They may plan sex to take place at a specific time, perhaps at night, or on weekends. After a long day at work, one or both partners may lack the energy to have sex.

When you add children into the equation this further complicates matters. When it comes to the wellbeing of your children, you cannot put your life on hold to satisfy your desires. But can you forget about your sexual needs? No, of course not. If there is a chronic lack of passion and intimacy, the relationship could be headed for trouble. A lack of sexual fulfillment could tempt spouses to cheat, or at the very least, could cause emotional abandonment.

Planning For Sex

The quality of sex is more important than the quantity. If you lack the time to have as much sex as you would like, then plan for better sex whenever you can afford it. You and your partner need to arrange time for yourselves, away from the world, away from the children. Turn off your phones and make sure there are no distractions so that you can both devote time to each other. If you miss the spontaneity of sex, but need to stay on your "sex " try to enhance the sexual experience with an extra erotic touch like a sensual bath or honey-oil massage. Enhance the level of arousal and excitement.. In many cases, advance planning can work to your advantage. You can imagine what you want to wear, new ideas to try, and even build anticipation with your partner.

There is also something to be said about taking turns in your sex life. Don't believe the myth that sex is only good when a man and woman come together. Sex doesn't have to be self-serving; it can be a gift from one partner to the other. Concentrate on pleasing your partner and use your time to the fullest.

One time you can be King and have your needs completely met, the next time your partner is the Queen and its her turn to be fully indulged.

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How To Improve The Quality

Never underestimate the value of regular sex in a long-term relationship. Couples frequently get bored or annoyed with sex the more they are stressed and become busy in their lives. But regular sex provides pleasure and strengthens the fidelity of the relationship. Furthermore, sexual activity makes people look and feel healthier. Sex releases natural endorphins which actually reduce stress and anxiety. Sex produces chemicals that create stronger feelings of affection. Finally, sex burns calories! So if you want to lose weight you're missing out on calorie burning by shelving your sex life!

There is no reason to live without sex, which is a positive and healthy need. If you or your mate are having problems with sexual "drought" and think sex therapy could help you, then contact a sex therapist. Sexual therapists are trained and experienced in such intimate matters and can help a couple put the magic back into their bedroom. Why choose between family or work and an active sex life when you can have both?

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Keeping the Spark Alive in the Golden Years: Sex and Aging

Is it true that when you grow older you lose your sex drive? While it's true that some individuals may lose interest in sex, to say that all people over a certain age eventually lose their sex drive is a myth. It is true on a scientific level that the human body experiences many changes as aging occurs this does not mean that your sex drive disappears. A healthy sex drive is related to both psychological and physiological factors.

A lower libido may be a physical symptom, such as low testosterone, or it may be a psychological problem, such as a lack of confidence. Generally speaking, if you have a healthy sex drive in your youth and middle age, then it should continue into your older years.

Physical And Psychological Problems

Low testosterone levels in men often bring about problems with erectile dysfunction. Men may have problems developing an erection, maintaining it and ejaculating properly. Not only could low testosterone be to blame, but also other physical illnesses such as diabetes, arthritis and heart disease could contribute to the condition. Women too could experience some problems. Menopause results in a decrease of estrogen which would affect the elasticity of the vagina and natural lubrication.

There could be many other factors that affect sexuality on a psychological level. One noted problem is that many people feel, whether consciously or subconsciously, that sex is a young person's activity and mainly to be used as a means of reproduction. These attitudes could affect the later years in terms of having sex just for pleasure. Even older couples may be affected by guilt, simply because many people are not used to the concept of sex purely for pleasure.

In addition, our society promotes the misconception that sex is for the young. Unfortunately, many older people buy into that myth and start withdrawing from sexual activity. Unconsciously, they may feel that it's silly or inappropriate for an older person to engage in sex. Not true, of course.

Feel Young Again And Get Busy

While there are many challenges associated with growing older and keeping up an active sex life, there are solutions to these problems. Problems with low testosterone and estrogen levels for one can be professionally treated. Beyond this, psychological problems can be dealt with if both partners have patience, have the time to work out the problems, and use effective communication.

The aging process in general does not spell a death sentence for mature lovers. Years of experience can actually be an advantage. You no longer have to worry about performance anxiety or other sexual hang-ups that are usually youth-oriented. Sex in this later stage in life is about pleasure not pressure. If you have been in a relationship for many years then you know that much better how to please your partner. There is no substitute for years of personal sexual experience!

Ways To Improve Your Sex Life

Your sex life will resemble the rest of your daily physical activities--in both your youth as well as in your senior years. If you were young and passionate, then that characteristic should continue even as you age, provided you are in good health. Furthermore, if you take good care of yourself physically and maintain an active lifestyle in other areas of living, then your sexual energy should be just as high.

Diet and exercise are more important than ever in the older years. Exercise will help improve your muscle tone and cardiac system which will help you stay sexually active for many years to come. Older couples who continue to have sex seem to be in better shape (remember sex burns calories!) as their body produces many chemicals that enhance the immune system, cleanse and replenish the skin, and lean body tissue. Best of all, sex relieves stress. Sex will never hurt you no matter your age. Stress on the other hand can lead to all sorts of physical problems. Always exchange sex for stress no matter your age--it leads to a healthier, happier life!

Though you and your partner will have to accept the changes that aging brings, this does not mean that you have to say goodbye to fulfilling, life-affirming sex. Take the time to pleasure your partner, to build intimate communication, and to enjoy each other's company whenever possible.

If you or your spouse are advancing in years and having problems keeping your sex life young and fulfilling, then consider sexual therapy as a solution. A sex therapist is well qualified to handle sexual issues and can offer relationship counseling in a respectful and professional manner. Never assume that with age comes unhappiness. You can reclaim your sex life and live out your older years the way they should be lived--happy, healthy and passionate!

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tova@sextherapylosangeles.com