Fear of Intimacy

There are many reasons why a person might feel empty or that "something is missing" in their life. Maybe on a subconscious level they know what it is, but when it comes to sorting through their feelings they are confused. It's very possible that a fear of intimacy is the problem, especially if the person is not in a healthy relationship. In order to avoid confronting this issue, individuals may place the emphasis in other areas of their life. Work, personal endeavors, taking care of others, or hobbies may receive most of their attention, while sex and intimacy are relegated to the bottom of the list.

Though a person can try to suppress the need for intimacy, even while fearing it, eventually psychological side effects will start to appear. They may become unusually aggressive towards others, judgmental, hostile and caustic in their remarks. Sometimes this attitude can be difficult to spot as a person with a fear of intimacy can hide their hostility behind a humorous facade. He or she may seem friendly on the outside but may actually be keeping others at a careful distance, and even resenting them.

What Causes Fear Of Intimacy?

Every person deep down desires intimacy on some ----even if they resist the idea. So what causes a fear of intimacy? It could be traced back to a person's upbringing, or it may be a relatively recent event, such as an abusive relationship in which the person's trust was betrayed. This would explain the behavior of a person who is not in a romantic relationship. But what about someone who is in a relationship but still exhibits a fear of getting close? There could be a lack of chemistry or doubts about the qualities of the potential lover. However, in cases where the relationship seems productive, and a fear of intimacy persists, then the individual may be commitment-phobic.

Fear of intimacy could also be caused by low self confidence, whether in general, or due to some personal flaw. Physical condition, disease or dysfunction, or appearance-based issues may be enough to scare a person out of looking for the relationship they truly desire. While it's true that some people will judge you based on appearances, many others will not. The answer to satisfying your need of intimacy is not to run away from opportunity. The permanent solution is to increase your self-confidence and become comfortable with yourself.

How To Open Your Heart

Intimacy is a need in all people, and not only sexual intimacy, but also physical, intellectual and emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy goes beyond sex and involves romantic and friendly touching, which makes a person feel wanted and loved. Intellectual intimacy sees the exchange of ideas and viewpoints, which satisfies the need of connecting with someone and producing something worthwhile in life. Emotional intimacy involves sharing feelings with others; longings, passions and sensations. All these levels of intimacy are the direct or indirect secret to finding happiness. If a person has a fear of intimacy, then they have a fear of happiness and are doomed to live an unsatisfying life--unless they get help.

How can you open your heart to others while protecting your trust from those who would hurt you? The first step is to make peace with yourself. Open your heart to the idea of trusting someone completely. Secondly, you must realize that you have a problem. You must be honest with yourself when it comes to realizing the difference between being kind and loving, or satisfying sexual needs, with truly finding intimacy on all levels. Take the time to understand your own mind and heart and be kind to yourself--allow yourself the chance to heal and to be happy.

If you are having a problem establishing productive relationships, or believe you may have a fear of intimacy that is preventing you from having the relationship you really want, then seek help. Sex therapy offers sexual and relationship counseling and is your best option if you need impartial advice. A sex therapist can help you boost your self-confidence, improve your dating skills, and help you overcome the fear of intimacy that is robbing you of happiness.

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tova@sextherapylosangeles.com