How Do I Tell a Date That I Have a Sexual Problem?

As if being on a romantic date wasn't enough pressure! Besides following "the rules", selecting the restaurant, buying her flowers, picking up the tab, and putting your best foot forward, you also have to worry about explaining a sexual problem. This can be a very awkward situation, since sex is such a delicate issue and any kind of sexual problem is especially difficult to admit to a new partner.

A sexual problem would include anything that would prevent you from sexually satisfying a partner or yourself and that you have little or no control over. Sexual dysfunction usually refers to a physical problem such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, fear of intercourse, erectile dysfunction, or orgasmic problems.

Should You Tell a Partner?

If you have a major sexual dysfunction, then you should tell your partner about it. If you don't tell her hoping that you can fool her or disguise the issue, you could be compounding the problem when she learns the truth. Your partner will probably resent your lack of honesty or courage. Being up front about sexual problems is the best way to handle the situation. This does not mean that you have to admit your sexual dilemma to every new love interest.

You want to acknowledge the problem when a serious sexual invitation presents itself. When it's inevitable that you and your partner will have sex, calmly and candidly talking about the condition will relieve you of your "secret" and enable you to enjoy sex without pressure.

You may be afraid that your partner will react negatively to the news. But most people find that sincere partners are supportive and understanding as long as you are upfront. If you really like the company of the person, and are choosing your dates selectively, then have faith that they will like you regardless of your flaws. Don't spend too much time worrying about the problem and causing yourself anxiety, when you could simply bring the issue out into the open and resolve it. If someone is turned off by your sexual problem, then consider it a reflection of their lack of empathy. Move on to someone else and try again.

Can I Hide The Problem?

Some dysfunctions are apparent at the point of nudity. Most sexual problems such as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction are extremely difficult to hide. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, do you have a plan on how to increase your stamina? Are you attending sex therapy and making progress? If you have erectile dysfunction what makes you think you can produce an erection at will? How will you resolve the problem?

The advantage of telling your lover beforehand is that she might be able to help you over come the problem. For example, a man who has problems with premature ejaculation could work out an arrangement, where he brings his lover to orgasm first (perhaps with oral sex) and then focuses on his own pleasure. Communication always improves sex.

Getting Help

While it is a good idea to tell your lover about your sexual problem, seeking help for the problem is an even better idea! A sex therapist can help you cope with sexual dysfunction and offer treatment that will improve sex between you and your partner. If you have a physical condition, you could learn different sexual techniques to help with that condition, and could later instruct your partner on what to do. If you have a sexual dysfunction then you could work with a sex therapist to treat the problem. Nobody, including sexual partners, likes to hear that there is a problem and that they better deal with it. They much prefer to hear--there was a problem and this is how I dealt with it. That's how sex therapy can help you.

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tova@sextherapylosangeles.com