Impact of Rejection on Sex

Rejection--it's what causes so many negative emotions from shyness, to depression, to anger and even despair. Rejection is never easy to accept. In matters of romance, rejection can do even more damage. When you are rejected by someone you deeply want, it can make you feel worthless, unwanted and insecure. It can rob an otherwise friendly and happy person of their self-confidence. And yes, the truth is that some men and women do simply enjoy rejecting others and causing those hurt feelings

What's important to remember is that your happiness is at stake here, not the opinions of others. It is natural that you want to be liked and would take steps to reach out and form relationships with others. Taking the initiative to talk to others and eventually getting to know them on a romantic level is a positive step in the right direction. Handling rejection is a challenge, but one you must learn to deal with if you are ever to find happiness.

Rejection happens at various points in a person's life. Rejection can be taught to children. There is rejection when you are searching for a mate and trying to make the first connection. There is the possibility of rejection during dating, and even after an established relationship there is always the possibility of your partner leaving you. Regardless of where the rejection is coming from, it can be a heavy blow.

How To Handle Rejection

In handling rejection, its helpful to look at the big picture and adjust your perception accordingly. The old saying "count your blessings" applies here. While you may have been rejected by one person, is the situation really as hopeless as it feels in those first few moments? Are you still capable of conversing, living, and loving someone else? Is it really likely that out of over three billion people on earth, you will never meet anyone else as attractive as person who rejected you?

If you are newly dating and have only been stung by a few rejections from strangers, then be glad that the pain is short-lived and was not a heavy emotional investment. Take it as a sign that if the person was that difficult to deal with in the beginning, the potential relationship would only get worse from there. Fretting over the rejection of strangers--who have very likely judged you prematurely based only on appearances and random circumstances--is certainly missing the "big picture." A pretty face can be found everywhere you look, so it's very unlikely that you will ever run out of opportunities.

Recovering from a personal rejection, after you have been romantically close to a person, can be more difficult. After establishing trust, and then seeing that trust broken, a person who has been rejected will often second-guess every minute detail of the relationship. They will try to assign blame first to him or herself. Whose fault was it? Was it something small, like a physical or emotional quirk, or was it some big misunderstanding? Did the other person reject you because they were afraid or because they needed to feel superior in some way? The truth of the matter is complex, just as the emotional makeup and background of each person can be.

Moving On With Your Life

Many people have difficulty moving on with their life after a major rejection or after many quick rejections. If you are starting to feel self-conscious, then there's certainly nothing wrong with examining your flaws and working to improve yourself. There is also something to be said about working on your self-confidence and narrowing your search down to people who will like you for who you are. More self confidence will allow you to cope with rejection. Learn to love yourself before you spread the love around!

Sometimes rejection can be a good thing. It lets people reflect on who they really are and offers a new perspective on life. However, if rejection has hit you very hard and you do not feel capable of finding happiness, then you should seek help. Strong feelings of rejection can lead to depression and other emotional problems. Sex therapy and counseling can help you learn to cope with rejection and teach you how to move on in life with self-confidence and enthusiasm.

Putting Romance Into The Date

What is the secret to having a great date? There's no official definition for a "great date", but its usually associated with romance, connection and this-is-the-one excitement. But with so many random people getting together, there is sure to be some mismatches. What is the science of a good date?

Great dates happen when couples that have a lot in common get together. They may have similar outlooks, experiences and tastes--and so when they finally meet sparks fly! On the other hand, people who have less in common, usually end up having much less enjoyable dates, bad dates or "dates from hell." If you're really looking for a great date as opposed to just any date, then the answer is to be more selective about choosing someone with whom you are truly compatible.

Finding Mr. & Ms. Right

After eliminating the dysfunctional dates, and narrowing the rest of the crowd down by compatibility, it's time for romance. Even a perfectly compatible couple needs a little bit of romance in the early stage to get the relationship moving. What if you feel that you aren't very romantic? Then it's probably a case of shyness or inhibition. Being romantic is simply expressing sincere feelings of the love or "like" that you feel for another person. If you constantly hold back what you really feel, then you may convince yourself that you don't have a romantic side. But anyone who is capable of falling in love, and who wants to enter a relationship, has the ability to be romantic. Loving gestures can be very dramatic or very small. Consider some tips on how to get in touch with your inner romantic:

Learn Yourself

Don't leave it up to your potential partner to discover the romantic side of you. If you know your own character then you will know what romance is and how to communicate your feelings to another person.

Maintain Eye Contact

Don't forget to maintain eye contact with your perfect date. If you're shy (or even easily bored) then you may be tempted to look away. But maintaining loving eye contact, especially when your date is talking, is a small romantic gesture.

Sex And Romance Are Related

Tough guys may say they only want to get laid, but sex is a very romantic gesture. While confidence can be sexy most women do desire romance instead of machismo, especially when the dating games end and it's time to get intimate.

Romance Is About Them, Not You

The key to being a good lover, and a true romantic at heart, is to focus on pleasing the other person. Romance is about giving unselfishly to your partner, not receiving your kinkiest fantasy.

Be Spontaneous

You should be spontaneous, long after the first date and the relationship is established. Be spontaneous about expressing your love in subtle and outright ways. Small spontaneous niceties are just as effective as grand romantic gestures.

Learn Your Partner

After a while, you will start to learn your partner--what turns them on, what they want out of life, what they need around the house and what kind of atmosphere they find romantic. Remember to use that information if you really want to impress them.

Always Communicate

The closer you become in early dating, the closer you must keep each other as the relationship ages. Total honesty is what makes romance happen. Partners can usually sense if you are holding back expressing your real feelings. Relationships initially built on trust and openness are easily threatened by a lack of communication.

Forget Sex

Just once in a while. Though sex is important, simply touching each other, hugging or kissing without the thought of sex is very romantic and shows your partner that you never take them for granted.

Talking & Laughing

Never take for granted the little joys in life. Continue to laugh with your partner and chatter away about anything and everything that comes to mind. Romance is built not just on gestures, but on dependable friendship.

Learn To Compromise

Never yielding to someone else may make you a tough negotiator, but it won't win you any points in romance. Presenting yourself as an uncompromising type of personality early in dating is a risk. By the time you're in a serious relationship, the ability to compromise and make someone happy will be the most romantic gesture of all.

Need Help In Your Dating Life?

If you are noticing problems in your dating life then sex therapy may be just what you need to make a positive change. A sex therapist could help you understand more about yourself and what you're looking for in a relationship. Do you find yourself entering into dysfunctional relationships and attracting the wrong kind of person? Do you have a problem with romance or with expressing yourself to potential partners?

Sex therapy can help you in areas beyond the bedroom. A therapist can teach you how to improve your social skills and how to find the right partner. He or she can give you advice on dating and relationships so that you never have to endure another bad date.

article table of contents

tova@sextherapylosangeles.com