Desire Discrepency (mismatched sex drives)

A problem that can arise when two people, who are in a committed relationship,start to feel mismatched in their sexual desire. One may have a low appetite for sex and desire it occasionally, while the other partner may want sex more frequently. This is known as desire discrepancy or a libido imbalance.

What Does It Happen?

Desire discrepancy is one of the most common problems among couples. The imbalance can go towards either gender. Some women may lose interest in sex, leaving their man frustrated, or some men may become unresponsive leaving the woman unsatisfied. An imbalance has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction or even inhibition. It's not a physical dysfunction as much as it is a general psychological issue. Both partners might even be at their sexual peak. However, one may simply have a greater sexual desire than the other.

What seems to be typical is that when two future lovers first meet the less sexually active partner masks his or her sexual responsiveness for a time. What one partner might perceive as a great desire for sexual intimacy in the other, might actually be just polite acquiescence. Also, the excitement of a new sexual relationship could cause both partners to desire sex more than what would be their normal routine. After sexual activity starts occurring on a regular basis, the novelty of lust wears off. Even while love between partners may remain strong, the initial hot passion tends to subside. This is when desire discrepancy is discovered.

What To Do

The first thing to realize is that desire discrepancy is nobody's fault. It is not the fault of the man or the woman--it's simply a frustrating problem that two libidos are unevenly matched. Both lovers must realize that the discrepancy is not personal, and that getting angry and confrontational about it does not help matters. A committed relationship should be about love and selflessly trying to please not one's self, but the other partner. If one partner is sexually frustrated then it is a problem that both partners need to address. This type of problem will not go away by itself, nor is it fair to suggest that the other partner's desire is a flaw.

Sex therapists who treat this problem often find that a lack of communication and a lack of empathy for the other partner is what causes the discrepancy. The first point to remember is that nobody is at fault and everybody in the room wants to work the problem out. Personal attacks only escalate the situation. Consider these tips that will improve communication and help with desire discrepancy.

Masturbate To Prove Your Love

The attitude that masturbation in a relationship is offensive or insulting to the other partner is childish. Masturbation can equalize a large imbalance between partners. If one partner has a high sex drive and the other partner has already met him half way there, then masturbation may be what is needed to balance things out. Sex can be an act of love or it can be for physical gratification. You should not have to live without sex or force it on anyone. Make love to yourself and give your partner the night off--it's the kind thing to do.

Adjust Your Volume

Another ways an imbalance can be worked out is by having both partners adjust their libido for the other one. If one partner desires more sex, and isn't satisfied with masturbation, then it would be wise to stop stimulating excessive desire, such as indulging in pornography or hot romance novels. On the other hand, if one partner with a lower sex drive is trying to please their partner, then they might try boosting their libido through viewing sexual entertainment, fantasizing or touching themselves in anticipation of the encounter.

In addition, there is the need for compromise and maturity. Sometimes pleasing your partner can be just as rewarding as fulfilling your own needs. Sex is not always about lust and sensation; in committed relationships it has more to do with giving. If you are empathetic to your partner's needs then you will want to compromise. Compromising might involve taking turns on different nights--doing what the high-libido partner wants one night, and then the next night doing what the lower libido partner wants. (Which may be nothing) It could also involve one partner bringing the other to orgasm without any full-blown intercourse happening. Learning to compromise will improve your sex life, even the desire discrepancy and actually help strengthen your relationship.

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tova@sextherapylosangeles.com