Excessive Masturbation

There is nothing unhealthy or sinful about self-love or "solo sex." It is a normal form of sexual expression that is a great release for stress and erotic feelings. And it's available to you anytime.

The practice offers an alternative to sexual intercourse, if a man is not ready for relationships, protecting himself from STDs, dealing with unwanted pregnancies or lacks a partner.

There is a difference between healthy masturbation and excessive masturbation. Excessive masturbation is usually a smoke screen for psychological problems. Like sexual addiction, it is an extreme activity which typically masks difficult emotions like depression, self-loathing, anger, fear, guilt and shame.

Some have said that excessive masturbation can lead to lower back pain, stress and anxiety, thinning hair, groin pain and pelvic cramps. There are even claims that excessive masturbation can effect the delicate neurotransmitters which influence brain chemistry.

These claims are not true. What is true is that excessive masturbation may cause some physical health problems and certainly psychological harm if a person is also suffering from sexual addiction.

Consequences Of Excessive Masturbation

Any natural and pleasurable function can be abused by a person--particularly if they have an addictive personality. Many people have a tendency to over-eat and over-drink alcoholic beverages, which can be physically harmful. What are the physical results of excessive masturbation? Obviously some chaffing could occur and some cramps might result if muscles have been overworked. Some skin conditions could develop, perhaps even broken blood vessels, though this would probably only result from unusually rough sessions.

If a man masturbates to the point where it hurts, or irritates the skin, and he cannot stop, there is a problem. Such behavior requires professional help and depends in large part on the person being able to acknowledge the problem.

What's important to consider in this situation is if the excessive masturbation is something fairly recent, and if some sort of psychological issue could be the cause. While normal masturbation would not qualify as a sexual addiction, if a person is experimenting with dangerous sexual techniques or is tempted to masturbate in public, this would be a telling sign of sexual addiction. When it comes to sexual dysfunction then it is possible that excessive masturbation could have negative effects on a person's sex life. If a man masturbates quickly and focuses exclusively on his own pleasure for many years, he may find it difficult to sexually satisfy a partner. This could cause premature ejaculation or even delayed ejaculation, if the one individual was exceptionally rough with his own body.

What To Do If You Have A Problem

If you choose to masturbate then take care of your body. If your skin starts to chaff stop the sexual activity for a while. Use lubricant and try not to be any rougher with your own body than you would if you were having gentle sex with a partner. As long as you are not straining, then the only concern would be if masturbation were starting to affect other areas of your life. If you are concerned that excessive masturbation will cause sexual dysfunction later on, work on trying to improve your sexual performance. Rather than masturbating 10 times a day as quickly as possible, try to prolong the session and focus on building your sexual stamina.

However, if excessive masturbation points to a sexual addiction, then it is important that you receive professional counseling from a sex therapist. A sex therapist could help to treat the addiction so that you can return sexual activity to its proper place, and not endanger your life or other relationships.

table of contents

Shyness and Sex

Sex and shyness are not generally compatible. Sex requires a certain level of self-confidence, relaxation and assuredness. Just approaching a member of the opposite sex requires some courage. When someone has a serious problem with shyness, especially men, whom society expects to take the initiative in the dating world, then sex is hard to find.

Shyness for men may involve approaching women as well as in thinking up stimulating conversation after the approach. The level of shyness differs according to the individual. Some may feel uneasy, while others may have a crippling fear of interacting with the opposite sex. The effects of shyness on a person's romantic life can be devastating. The only thing worse than living without sex is living without romance! If a person is so shy that he cannot approach a woman and start a relationship, then this is beyond typical shyness. It is a life-draining condition.

What Causes Shyness?

Shyness could be caused by a person's traumatic upbringing or a naturally introverted personality. Some people are shy, not because they are afraid of relationships, but because they may not know how to react in certain situations. If a person lacks social skills or cannot easily start a conversation then they may want to avoid a potentially embarrassing situation.

Introductions can also be confounding, a simple "hello" or even a smile may be difficult to express. The shy person, realizing his limitations, fears that his genuine efforts to smile or make small talk will be seen as phony or "desperate" and concludes it isn't worth the effort.

Nervousness tends to create an awkward tension when meeting new people. A smile is one of the first things another person will notice about you. What else makes a good impression? Good eye contact, a relaxed posture and a friendly tone of voice. All of which a very shy person cannot easily maintain. Shyness can be so severe that it resembles a phobia--an irrational fear of social situations.

How To Overcome Shyness

There are many tips on how to overcome shyness. They mostly involve practicing the art of conversation. These tips might include: asking people questions, learning who they are as opposed to dwelling on yourself, practicing with friends or in front of a mirror, or visualizing a more comfortable setting. Some people have found that keeping a journal, and tracking their daily success and fall backs, can be helpful in self-improvement. In short, the only way to conquer shyness is to practice the opposite of being shy--that is conversing with people and taking a chance.

However, to the very shy person good advice alone cannot always bring a positive change. While some shy men may do well with a little encouragement, others could be recovering from emotional trauma, and require more personal attention. This is where sex therapy would prove helpful--far beyond reading a few tips in a book. Sex therapy can help men overcome their shyness, according to their own pace and individual needs. An important part of becoming more outgoing is interacting with other people. Suddenly interacting with strangers can feel like dumping a non-swimmer in a swimming pool. It feels scary. Sometimes people need more one-on-one attention if they are to learn. A sex therapist can give you that one-on-one and help you to overcome your shyness once and for all.

Why suffer from loneliness and a lack of sex in your life when there is help nearby? Stop dreaming and take control of your romantic life!

table of contents

Impact of Rejection on Sex

Rejection--it's what causes so many negative emotions from shyness, to depression, to anger and even despair. Rejection is never easy to accept. In matters of romance, rejection can do even more damage. When you are rejected by someone you deeply want, it can make you feel worthless, unwanted and insecure. It can rob an otherwise friendly and happy person of their self-confidence. And yes, the truth is that some men and women do simply enjoy rejecting others and causing those hurt feelings

What's important to remember is that your happiness is at stake here, not the opinions of others. It is natural that you want to be liked and would take steps to reach out and form relationships with others. Taking the initiative to talk to others and eventually getting to know them on a romantic level is a positive step in the right direction. Handling rejection is a challenge, but one you must learn to deal with if you are ever to find happiness.

Rejection happens at various points in a person's life. Rejection can be taught to children. There is rejection when you are searching for a mate and trying to make the first connection. There is the possibility of rejection during dating, and even after an established relationship there is always the possibility of your partner leaving you. Regardless of where the rejection is coming from, it can be a heavy blow.

How To Handle Rejection

In handling rejection, its helpful to look at the big picture and adjust your perception accordingly. The old saying "count your blessings" applies here. While you may have been rejected by one person, is the situation really as hopeless as it feels in those first few moments? Are you still capable of conversing, living, and loving someone else? Is it really likely that out of over three billion people on earth, you will never meet anyone else as attractive as person who rejected you?

If you are newly dating and have only been stung by a few rejections from strangers, then be glad that the pain is short-lived and was not a heavy emotional investment. Take it as a sign that if the person was that difficult to deal with in the beginning, the potential relationship would only get worse from there. Fretting over the rejection of strangers--who have very likely judged you prematurely based only on appearances and random circumstances--is certainly missing the "big picture." A pretty face can be found everywhere you look, so it's very unlikely that you will ever run out of opportunities.

Recovering from a personal rejection, after you have been romantically close to a person, can be more difficult. After establishing trust, and then seeing that trust broken, a person who has been rejected will often second-guess every minute detail of the relationship. They will try to assign blame first to him or herself. Whose fault was it? Was it something small, like a physical or emotional quirk, or was it some big misunderstanding? Did the other person reject you because they were afraid or because they needed to feel superior in some way? The truth of the matter is complex, just as the emotional makeup and background of each person can be.

Moving On With Your Life

Many people have difficulty moving on with their life after a major rejection or after many quick rejections. If you are starting to feel self-conscious, then there's certainly nothing wrong with examining your flaws and working to improve yourself. There is also something to be said about working on your self-confidence and narrowing your search down to people who will like you for who you are. More self confidence will allow you to cope with rejection. Learn to love yourself before you spread the love around!

Sometimes rejection can be a good thing. It lets people reflect on who they really are and offers a new perspective on life. However, if rejection has hit you very hard and you do not feel capable of finding happiness, then you should seek help. Strong feelings of rejection can lead to depression and other emotional problems. Sex therapy and counseling can help you learn to cope with rejection and teach you how to move on in life with self-confidence and enthusiasm.

Putting Romance Into The Date

What is the secret to having a great date? There's no official definition for a "great date", but its usually associated with romance, connection and this-is-the-one excitement. But with so many random people getting together, there is sure to be some mismatches. What is the science of a good date?

Great dates happen when couples that have a lot in common get together. They may have similar outlooks, experiences and tastes--and so when they finally meet sparks fly! On the other hand, people who have less in common, usually end up having much less enjoyable dates, bad dates or "dates from hell." If you're really looking for a great date as opposed to just any date, then the answer is to be more selective about choosing someone with whom you are truly compatible.

Finding Mr. & Ms. Right

After eliminating the dysfunctional dates, and narrowing the rest of the crowd down by compatibility, it's time for romance. Even a perfectly compatible couple needs a little bit of romance in the early stage to get the relationship moving. What if you feel that you aren't very romantic? Then it's probably a case of shyness or inhibition. Being romantic is simply expressing sincere feelings of the love or "like" that you feel for another person. If you constantly hold back what you really feel, then you may convince yourself that you don't have a romantic side. But anyone who is capable of falling in love, and who wants to enter a relationship, has the ability to be romantic. Loving gestures can be very dramatic or very small. Consider some tips on how to get in touch with your inner romantic:

Learn Yourself

Don't leave it up to your potential partner to discover the romantic side of you. If you know your own character then you will know what romance is and how to communicate your feelings to another person.

Maintain Eye Contact

Don't forget to maintain eye contact with your perfect date. If you're shy (or even easily bored) then you may be tempted to look away. But maintaining loving eye contact, especially when your date is talking, is a small romantic gesture.

Sex And Romance Are Related

Tough guys may say they only want to get laid, but sex is a very romantic gesture. While confidence can be sexy most women do desire romance instead of machismo, especially when the dating games end and it's time to get intimate.

Romance Is About Them, Not You

The key to being a good lover, and a true romantic at heart, is to focus on pleasing the other person. Romance is about giving unselfishly to your partner, not receiving your kinkiest fantasy.

Be Spontaneous

You should be spontaneous, long after the first date and the relationship is established. Be spontaneous about expressing your love in subtle and outright ways. Small spontaneous niceties are just as effective as grand romantic gestures.

Learn Your Partner

After a while, you will start to learn your partner--what turns them on, what they want out of life, what they need around the house and what kind of atmosphere they find romantic. Remember to use that information if you really want to impress them.

Always Communicate

The closer you become in early dating, the closer you must keep each other as the relationship ages. Total honesty is what makes romance happen. Partners can usually sense if you are holding back expressing your real feelings. Relationships initially built on trust and openness are easily threatened by a lack of communication.

Forget Sex

Just once in a while. Though sex is important, simply touching each other, hugging or kissing without the thought of sex is very romantic and shows your partner that you never take them for granted.

Talking & Laughing

Never take for granted the little joys in life. Continue to laugh with your partner and chatter away about anything and everything that comes to mind. Romance is built not just on gestures, but on dependable friendship.

Learn To Compromise

Never yielding to someone else may make you a tough negotiator, but it won't win you any points in romance. Presenting yourself as an uncompromising type of personality early in dating is a risk. By the time you're in a serious relationship, the ability to compromise and make someone happy will be the most romantic gesture of all.

Need Help In Your Dating Life?

If you are noticing problems in your dating life then sex therapy may be just what you need to make a positive change. A sex therapist could help you understand more about yourself and what you're looking for in a relationship. Do you find yourself entering into dysfunctional relationships and attracting the wrong kind of person? Do you have a problem with romance or with expressing yourself to potential partners?

Sex therapy can help you in areas beyond the bedroom. A therapist can teach you how to improve your social skills and how to find the right partner. He or she can give you advice on dating and relationships so that you never have to endure another bad date.

table of contents

Fear of Intimacy

There are many reasons why a person might feel empty or that "something is missing" in their life. Maybe on a subconscious level they know what it is, but when it comes to sorting through their feelings they are confused. It's very possible that a fear of intimacy is the problem, especially if the person is not in a healthy relationship. In order to avoid confronting this issue, individuals may place the emphasis in other areas of their life. Work, personal endeavors, taking care of others, or hobbies may receive most of their attention, while sex and intimacy are relegated to the bottom of the list.

Though a person can try to suppress the need for intimacy, even while fearing it, eventually psychological side effects will start to appear. They may become unusually aggressive towards others, judgmental, hostile and caustic in their remarks. Sometimes this attitude can be difficult to spot as a person with a fear of intimacy can hide their hostility behind a humorous facade. He or she may seem friendly on the outside but may actually be keeping others at a careful distance, and even resenting them.

What Causes Fear Of Intimacy?

Every person deep down desires intimacy on some ----even if they resist the idea. So what causes a fear of intimacy? It could be traced back to a person's upbringing, or it may be a relatively recent event, such as an abusive relationship in which the person's trust was betrayed. This would explain the behavior of a person who is not in a romantic relationship. But what about someone who is in a relationship but still exhibits a fear of getting close? There could be a lack of chemistry or doubts about the qualities of the potential lover. However, in cases where the relationship seems productive, and a fear of intimacy persists, then the individual may be commitment-phobic.

Fear of intimacy could also be caused by low self confidence, whether in general, or due to some personal flaw. Physical condition, disease or dysfunction, or appearance-based issues may be enough to scare a person out of looking for the relationship they truly desire. While it's true that some people will judge you based on appearances, many others will not. The answer to satisfying your need of intimacy is not to run away from opportunity. The permanent solution is to increase your self-confidence and become comfortable with yourself.

How To Open Your Heart

Intimacy is a need in all people, and not only sexual intimacy, but also physical, intellectual and emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy goes beyond sex and involves romantic and friendly touching, which makes a person feel wanted and loved. Intellectual intimacy sees the exchange of ideas and viewpoints, which satisfies the need of connecting with someone and producing something worthwhile in life. Emotional intimacy involves sharing feelings with others; longings, passions and sensations. All these levels of intimacy are the direct or indirect secret to finding happiness. If a person has a fear of intimacy, then they have a fear of happiness and are doomed to live an unsatisfying life--unless they get help.

How can you open your heart to others while protecting your trust from those who would hurt you? The first step is to make peace with yourself. Open your heart to the idea of trusting someone completely. Secondly, you must realize that you have a problem. You must be honest with yourself when it comes to realizing the difference between being kind and loving, or satisfying sexual needs, with truly finding intimacy on all levels. Take the time to understand your own mind and heart and be kind to yourself--allow yourself the chance to heal and to be happy.

If you are having a problem establishing productive relationships, or believe you may have a fear of intimacy that is preventing you from having the relationship you really want, then seek help. Sex therapy offers sexual and relationship counseling and is your best option if you need impartial advice. A sex therapist can help you boost your self-confidence, improve your dating skills, and help you overcome the fear of intimacy that is robbing you of happiness.

table of contents

The Buddy Syndrome: Always the Friend

"I like you. But as a friend."

How many times have you heard this line? To a man, loosely translated, that means "You are not physically attractive. I would never in a million years have sex with you. I find you nice in a brotherly, never-going-to-happen sort of way."

Every man at some time will encounter a woman who wants to define their relationship as "friends." However, if you find that you are always the friend and never the lover, there is a problem in the level of masculinity that you are projecting. Some men who are apprehensive about relationships, submerge their sexual energy to unconsciously avoid the prospect of engaging in a real relationship.

Others feel that they don't want to be perceived as a sexual aggressor like other men. They have heard that women do not like aggressive men. Perhaps they grew up in a predominantly female household and heard their sisters refer to men as "pigs." Other men don't want to feel that they are intruding on a woman and making her uncomfortable with sexual advances. They take no action at all. This is usually in an effort to avoid rejection.

So ultimately what happens is nothing. The woman feels no sexual energy radiating from the man and then sees him as asexual, like a good buddy or empathetic friend. The man is secretly longing for an intimate relationship and doesn't know what he is doing wrong.

What Makes A Man Friendly And Not Sexy?

Why does a woman say no to the possibility of a romantic relationship? The woman may not feel attracted to you physically. Therein lies the problem. Unless a woman feels sexually attracted to a man, she will never think of him as a potential lover, but more like a brother, a friend or even a friendly acquaintance.

Why wouldn't a woman feel sexually attracted to a man, especially if he is reasonably good looking? First of all, most women are attracted to men on an emotional level, not by appearances alone. When it comes to attraction on an intellectual level, usually the emotional attraction still wins out. Therefore, women can be good friends with a man they don't desire.

In addition, a woman may pick up on ""unsexy qualities in a man such as social awkwardness, shyness caused by inexperience or a fear of rejection, poor conversational skills and a lack of self-confidence. But what if a man is confident and conversational, but still seems to have the buddy syndrome working against him?

Creating Sexual Tension

The problem in is that the man has done such a good job of presenting himself as a friend that a woman forgets that he is a sexual being. Men will often mask their sexual feelings with female friends as it's usually inappropriate in a traditional friendship. Men who are used to hiding their sexual feelings will not easily be able to flirt, to maintain romantic eye-contact and to create the "pheromones" that ordinarily start sexual relationships.

Men also have a tendency to please their female friends and avoid conflict. This works well in friendships but can work against a man in dating. Women usually aren't emotionally attracted to a man who is afraid to be assertive. Is it true what they say, that nice guys finish last? No...what is true, is that if you allow women to walk all over you, some will. Along with self-confidence, the quality of assertiveness is important to learn in establishing romantic relationships. Being assertive and honest earns respect from people in all avenues of life.

If you wish to turn a friend into a lover, then you must try and get to know your friend on an intimate level, not a friendly one. If you have been a woman's friend for a long period of time, this new behavior may catch her off guard. Yes, it's possible you may be rejected. But taking a chance in the name of love sure beats suffering in silence! Re-educate yourself on how to flirt, how to build intimacy and how to unleash your romantic side.

If you have had problems attracting women, or suffer from the buddy syndrome, then why not let sex therapy help you? Sex therapy is not only about treating sexual dysfunction but is also about learning important dating skills and how to better deal with women. A sex therapist can give you one-on-one counseling on how to improve your romantic life and find the partner you really want.

table of contents

When Is the Right Time To Have Sex?

Intimacy is a human need and involves physical and sexual intimacy, as well and intellectual and emotional closeness. Some people will feel the need for intimacy shortly after reaching sexual maturity, while others will hold out for someone they love, or for marriage if they come from a religious background. There is no right or wrong time to have sex, since every individual has their own personal values.

Only you can answer this question, since you will be taking on the responsibility that goes with establishing a sexual relationship. If you have sexual concerns, waiting awhile may be the best approach. Taking some time to get to know your partner, can put you at ease and lessen performance anxiety. You also have the opportunity to establish trust and open communication the longer you know each other. This camaraderie encourages a sexually supportive and safe environment.

Think it through. Is sex something you want now or are you feeling pressured by a partner for sex? When it comes to sex, you need to make wise choices and act in your own best interests. Can you have sex just for the sexual pleasure or do you need the reassurance of a relationship? Only you know the answer.

Emotional Readiness

Sex requires emotional readiness from both participants. If a person is overwhelmed with guilt, has a fear of intimacy or is unduly nervous, having sex early in the relationship would not seem to be a good decision. Sex does not resolve doubts or eliminate difficulties, it just adds more complication (and pleasure). This is not to say that two people have be in love before sex can happen. What matters is that both partners understand what the other wants and that there is some trust established.

If you are seeking a casual encounter, be aware that sex has a way of changing friendships and affecting you on a personal level. You may think that you can handle sex with someone you don't really care for, and then find yourself attracted to them after the affair. What if that person is unavailable? Can you live with that? Evaluate your real feelings before sex occurs so that you don't feel regret afterwards.

Be honest with yourself and decide if you are just looking for a fling or if you really desire someone special. Love is a positive feeling which is created from emotions and thoughts first learned in childhood from family members. Friendship, unselfishness, and trust are qualities associated with genuine love. Physical and even emotional attraction can be deceptive, so be careful that you are not attributing qualities to your partner that might not really be there.

Physical Readiness

Beyond emotional commitment, it is a very important that you be physically ready to engage in sex. Yes, emotional abandonment can be hard to live with, but sex can be fatal if you don't take physical precautions. If you are planning on having sex with a new friend and don't really know about his or her past, wearing a condom could save your life. Condoms prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, some of which may be minor skin irritations, but others like AIDS could cost you your life. There are some people who are not above lying about their STDs just to hop into bed.

Protecting against unwanted pregnancy is another issue to consider, long before you think about having sex. While condoms are made to prevent insemination, be aware that they have a much lower success rate in preventing pregnancy than they do STDs. If you have a regular sex partner, then look into birth control pills, patches, diaphragms or IUD's as a more effective forms of birth control.

Great Expectations And Backing Out

Many people have unrealistic expectations about sex. They may feel that doing it will make them popular, lovable or worthwhile. Some people are influenced because their friends are engaging in sex. It may seem cool and mature. Others may feel that they can manipulate a partner into staying with them if they have sex. Sex is just sex--you get no gold medals. Loving sex requires intimate communication, practice and patience. It is a skill, a talent, you must learn with your partner.

No matter the circumstances, no matter your age, it is always acceptable to say no to sex at any point in time. Sex is a very personal thing and all lovers have the right to protect their body and their heart if they feel the time isn't right. Use your own judgment and listen to your inner-voice, which knows when something is wrong.

Can I Say No To Sex Without Feeling Inadequate?

Men are expected to want to have sex. Whether it's an evolutionary theory of propagating the species or a woman's personal experience with some two-timing ladies' man, men are expected to always say yes because they're all the same, they're only interested in one thing, every five seconds, etc. But like many other sexual generalities, this is not always the case. There are many reasons why a man would not want to have sex.

What Would A Man Not Want Sex?

Why would a man say no? The same reason a woman would say no--based on the criteria of circumstances. Maybe the man does not find the woman attractive. Maybe the man feels closer to the woman as a friend, not a lover. Maybe the woman's personal history or mutual friendships would disinterest him in a sexual relationship. Maybe the man is religious or is a virgin and is uncomfortable losing his virginity under the circumstances.

Beyond these obvious reasons, there are also some more complex issues that could be taking place in committed relationships that would cause a man to say no more often. If a man is on antidepressants then a decreased sex drive could be a side effect. A lack of sleep or just tiredness from a hard day's work could be a contributing factor. A low level of testosterone could be the hormonal cause of a low libido. If a man is stressed or is suffering from depression, then this can impact his sex life. Obviously any relationship problems would be a major turn off for men as well as women, since intimacy and trust are usually at the center of sexual relationships.

More likely causes of the word "" would include over-masturbation, which has become more satisfying or at least less stressful than a real sexual relationship, a fear of intimacy, and any sexual dysfunction that would otherwise prevent the man from enjoying sex or performing well.

How Can I Say No?

A man doesn't need to have a reason to refuse sex. No one, man or woman, should ever feel forced to have sex against their will, whether by another person or by the expectation of society. Perhaps you are a man that has been approached by a woman to whom you are not physically attracted. Or perhaps you are in a committed relationship and your spouse wants sex from you at an inconvenient time. In either case, you have the right to say no.

If you are not seriously interested in another person, never feel that you should pursue a relationship for any reason other than you desire the person. You are not obligated to be sexual with someone you don't desire. You are not expected to sleep with as many women as possible to prove your virility or to gain sexual experience. You don't need to feel that you will be letting someone down by saying no. Even if you do hurt a woman's feelings by declining a sexual offer, it's better to be honest than to force yourself into an unappealing situation.

What About Sexual Inadequacy?

Sexual experience is about quality not quantity. The same sexual know-how that you could gain from sleeping with a hundred different lovers, you could gain by experimenting with just one special woman that you really love. Since sex education is easily available these days, you have the capacity to be as great a lover as Don Juan, if you apply yourself and find a partner willing to practice with you.

Feelings of sexual inadequacy can also affect men who are coping with sexual dysfunction. You may feel ashamed if you have to turn someone down for sex, or for refusing to take part in a sexual practice that your partner suggests but you don't wish to do. In instances like this it is important to keep your self-respect high, and brush off any feelings of insecurity. Sex should be a pleasurable activity and if doing something robs you of enjoyment, or makes you feel uncomfortable, then why do it? Why worry about it? Your manhood, your sexiness, is not in question. When it comes to sex, everyone has the right to say yes or no.

How To Say No

"No" can be hard to say. Your partner may want to know why you are refusing, or even changing your mind. Answer truthfully and explain exactly why you cannot continue. Don't make up stories or avoid the issue--be forthright and don't be intimidated.

Sex is voluntarily (yes, even for men)! Like women, men have the option of saying no under any circumstance, even if they have been physically close with the person in the past. Any previous behavior does not mean that a man is obligated to do "go all the way" or do something else he is uncomfortable doing, whether due to a dysfunction or his own personal preference. It has nothing to do with sexual inadequacy--it has to do with a man enjoying sex on his own terms, in a comfortable setting.

table of contents

How Do I Tell a Date That I Have a Sexual Problem?

As if being on a romantic date wasn't enough pressure! Besides following "the rules", selecting the restaurant, buying her flowers, picking up the tab, and putting your best foot forward, you also have to worry about explaining a sexual problem. This can be a very awkward situation, since sex is such a delicate issue and any kind of sexual problem is especially difficult to admit to a new partner.

A sexual problem would include anything that would prevent you from sexually satisfying a partner or yourself and that you have little or no control over. Sexual dysfunction usually refers to a physical problem such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, fear of intercourse, erectile dysfunction, or orgasmic problems.

Should You Tell a Partner?

If you have a major sexual dysfunction, then you should tell your partner about it. If you don't tell her hoping that you can fool her or disguise the issue, you could be compounding the problem when she learns the truth. Your partner will probably resent your lack of honesty or courage. Being up front about sexual problems is the best way to handle the situation. This does not mean that you have to admit your sexual dilemma to every new love interest.

You want to acknowledge the problem when a serious sexual invitation presents itself. When it's inevitable that you and your partner will have sex, calmly and candidly talking about the condition will relieve you of your "secret" and enable you to enjoy sex without pressure.

You may be afraid that your partner will react negatively to the news. But most people find that sincere partners are supportive and understanding as long as you are upfront. If you really like the company of the person, and are choosing your dates selectively, then have faith that they will like you regardless of your flaws. Don't spend too much time worrying about the problem and causing yourself anxiety, when you could simply bring the issue out into the open and resolve it. If someone is turned off by your sexual problem, then consider it a reflection of their lack of empathy. Move on to someone else and try again.

Can I Hide The Problem?

Some dysfunctions are apparent at the point of nudity. Most sexual problems such as premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction are extremely difficult to hide. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, do you have a plan on how to increase your stamina? Are you attending sex therapy and making progress? If you have erectile dysfunction what makes you think you can produce an erection at will? How will you resolve the problem?

The advantage of telling your lover beforehand is that she might be able to help you over come the problem. For example, a man who has problems with premature ejaculation could work out an arrangement, where he brings his lover to orgasm first (perhaps with oral sex) and then focuses on his own pleasure. Communication always improves sex.

Getting Help

While it is a good idea to tell your lover about your sexual problem, seeking help for the problem is an even better idea! A sex therapist can help you cope with sexual dysfunction and offer treatment that will improve sex between you and your partner. If you have a physical condition, you could learn different sexual techniques to help with that condition, and could later instruct your partner on what to do. If you have a sexual dysfunction then you could work with a sex therapist to treat the problem. Nobody, including sexual partners, likes to hear that there is a problem and that they better deal with it. They much prefer to hear--there was a problem and this is how I dealt with it. That's how sex therapy can help you.

table of contents

tova@sextherapylosangeles.com