When Is the Right Time To Have Sex?

Intimacy is a human need and involves physical and sexual intimacy, as well and intellectual and emotional closeness. Some people will feel the need for intimacy shortly after reaching sexual maturity, while others will hold out for someone they love, or for marriage if they come from a religious background. There is no right or wrong time to have sex, since every individual has their own personal values.

Only you can answer this question, since you will be taking on the responsibility that goes with establishing a sexual relationship. If you have sexual concerns, waiting awhile may be the best approach. Taking some time to get to know your partner, can put you at ease and lessen performance anxiety. You also have the opportunity to establish trust and open communication the longer you know each other. This camaraderie encourages a sexually supportive and safe environment.

Think it through. Is sex something you want now or are you feeling pressured by a partner for sex? When it comes to sex, you need to make wise choices and act in your own best interests. Can you have sex just for the sexual pleasure or do you need the reassurance of a relationship? Only you know the answer.

Emotional Readiness

Sex requires emotional readiness from both participants. If a person is overwhelmed with guilt, has a fear of intimacy or is unduly nervous, having sex early in the relationship would not seem to be a good decision. Sex does not resolve doubts or eliminate difficulties, it just adds more complication (and pleasure). This is not to say that two people have be in love before sex can happen. What matters is that both partners understand what the other wants and that there is some trust established.

If you are seeking a casual encounter, be aware that sex has a way of changing friendships and affecting you on a personal level. You may think that you can handle sex with someone you don't really care for, and then find yourself attracted to them after the affair. What if that person is unavailable? Can you live with that? Evaluate your real feelings before sex occurs so that you don't feel regret afterwards.

Be honest with yourself and decide if you are just looking for a fling or if you really desire someone special. Love is a positive feeling which is created from emotions and thoughts first learned in childhood from family members. Friendship, unselfishness, and trust are qualities associated with genuine love. Physical and even emotional attraction can be deceptive, so be careful that you are not attributing qualities to your partner that might not really be there.

Physical Readiness

Beyond emotional commitment, it is a very important that you be physically ready to engage in sex. Yes, emotional abandonment can be hard to live with, but sex can be fatal if you don't take physical precautions. If you are planning on having sex with a new friend and don't really know about his or her past, wearing a condom could save your life. Condoms prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases, some of which may be minor skin irritations, but others like AIDS could cost you your life. There are some people who are not above lying about their STDs just to hop into bed.

Protecting against unwanted pregnancy is another issue to consider, long before you think about having sex. While condoms are made to prevent insemination, be aware that they have a much lower success rate in preventing pregnancy than they do STDs. If you have a regular sex partner, then look into birth control pills, patches, diaphragms or IUD's as a more effective forms of birth control.

Great Expectations And Backing Out

Many people have unrealistic expectations about sex. They may feel that doing it will make them popular, lovable or worthwhile. Some people are influenced because their friends are engaging in sex. It may seem cool and mature. Others may feel that they can manipulate a partner into staying with them if they have sex. Sex is just sex--you get no gold medals. Loving sex requires intimate communication, practice and patience. It is a skill, a talent, you must learn with your partner.

No matter the circumstances, no matter your age, it is always acceptable to say no to sex at any point in time. Sex is a very personal thing and all lovers have the right to protect their body and their heart if they feel the time isn't right. Use your own judgment and listen to your inner-voice, which knows when something is wrong.

Can I Say No To Sex Without Feeling Inadequate?

Men are expected to want to have sex. Whether it's an evolutionary theory of propagating the species or a woman's personal experience with some two-timing ladies' man, men are expected to always say yes because they're all the same, they're only interested in one thing, every five seconds, etc. But like many other sexual generalities, this is not always the case. There are many reasons why a man would not want to have sex.

What Would A Man Not Want Sex?

Why would a man say no? The same reason a woman would say no--based on the criteria of circumstances. Maybe the man does not find the woman attractive. Maybe the man feels closer to the woman as a friend, not a lover. Maybe the woman's personal history or mutual friendships would disinterest him in a sexual relationship. Maybe the man is religious or is a virgin and is uncomfortable losing his virginity under the circumstances.

Beyond these obvious reasons, there are also some more complex issues that could be taking place in committed relationships that would cause a man to say no more often. If a man is on antidepressants then a decreased sex drive could be a side effect. A lack of sleep or just tiredness from a hard day's work could be a contributing factor. A low level of testosterone could be the hormonal cause of a low libido. If a man is stressed or is suffering from depression, then this can impact his sex life. Obviously any relationship problems would be a major turn off for men as well as women, since intimacy and trust are usually at the center of sexual relationships.

More likely causes of the word "" would include over-masturbation, which has become more satisfying or at least less stressful than a real sexual relationship, a fear of intimacy, and any sexual dysfunction that would otherwise prevent the man from enjoying sex or performing well.

How Can I Say No?

A man doesn't need to have a reason to refuse sex. No one, man or woman, should ever feel forced to have sex against their will, whether by another person or by the expectation of society. Perhaps you are a man that has been approached by a woman to whom you are not physically attracted. Or perhaps you are in a committed relationship and your spouse wants sex from you at an inconvenient time. In either case, you have the right to say no.

If you are not seriously interested in another person, never feel that you should pursue a relationship for any reason other than you desire the person. You are not obligated to be sexual with someone you don't desire. You are not expected to sleep with as many women as possible to prove your virility or to gain sexual experience. You don't need to feel that you will be letting someone down by saying no. Even if you do hurt a woman's feelings by declining a sexual offer, it's better to be honest than to force yourself into an unappealing situation.

What About Sexual Inadequacy?

Sexual experience is about quality not quantity. The same sexual know-how that you could gain from sleeping with a hundred different lovers, you could gain by experimenting with just one special woman that you really love. Since sex education is easily available these days, you have the capacity to be as great a lover as Don Juan, if you apply yourself and find a partner willing to practice with you.

Feelings of sexual inadequacy can also affect men who are coping with sexual dysfunction. You may feel ashamed if you have to turn someone down for sex, or for refusing to take part in a sexual practice that your partner suggests but you don't wish to do. In instances like this it is important to keep your self-respect high, and brush off any feelings of insecurity. Sex should be a pleasurable activity and if doing something robs you of enjoyment, or makes you feel uncomfortable, then why do it? Why worry about it? Your manhood, your sexiness, is not in question. When it comes to sex, everyone has the right to say yes or no.

How To Say No

"No" can be hard to say. Your partner may want to know why you are refusing, or even changing your mind. Answer truthfully and explain exactly why you cannot continue. Don't make up stories or avoid the issue--be forthright and don't be intimidated.

Sex is voluntarily (yes, even for men)! Like women, men have the option of saying no under any circumstance, even if they have been physically close with the person in the past. Any previous behavior does not mean that a man is obligated to do "go all the way" or do something else he is uncomfortable doing, whether due to a dysfunction or his own personal preference. It has nothing to do with sexual inadequacy--it has to do with a man enjoying sex on his own terms, in a comfortable setting.

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tova@sextherapylosangeles.com