Loss of Sexual Desire

Is it true that as a woman gets older she naturally loses interest in sex? Sex is a natural activity and good for the body on many physical and physiological levels. It is a good form of exercise and a natural relaxant. It intensifies love and communication in a relationship. At the very least, sex can make two hours of boredom pass quickly! So the simple answer is that sexual desire should not gradually wane; even when a woman grows older, the desire for sensual pleasure is still a part of woman's nature.

But it is true that many women do lose interest in sex as years go by, especially if they compare their routine sex life to the first few years of sexual exploration. The passionate curiosity as to what sex is eventually fades. The regular orgasm you (may) experience is expected by now and may not be as memorable as your first. Comparing the sex of today with the first erotic memories of yesterday is self-defeating. Sex is not going to be a new undiscovered peak of excitement every time you enjoy it.

What Causes The Loss Of Desire

What does happen unfortunately, is that many women become bored--not of sex necessarily, but of the sexual routine that they and their partner have built over the years. After a flush of newly wed excitement, in which both partners' desires are amplified beyond the norm, most relationships settle into stable sexual routines. If one or both partners lack imagination, or just the willingness to experiment with new things, then a loss of sexual desire may result.

Familiarity can breed boredome, particularly when it's an activity as sensual and emotional as sex. The familiar sight of the same man, the same foreplay and the same position will eventually cease to be a turn on. It's not that you resent the man--you may love him more than ever. But it's comparable to eating steak every day with no condiments. Or side dishes. Or fancy plates. Or even a drink. Sex on its own is a biological function. But love making should be an emotional and a deep experience if it's to be good every time.

Fortunately, ideas on how to spice up your sex life are readily available. There are many ideas on how to improve your sex life from sensate focus techniques to fantasizing, to role playing and trying different positions.

Confronting The Real Issue

The loss of sexual desire is often times not a matter of running out of ideas. It doesn't take a sex therapist to come up with a sizzling new approach to foreplay. Most bored couples could probably think of new ideas to try in the bedroom, particularly women who usually know their own pleasure zones. Therefore the loss of sexual desire is often times related to other sexual issues. These issues might include one or more of the following.

1. Lack Of Communication

If a couple is not communicating intimately and are not truly happy with their current relationship, then sex is probably the last thing on their mind. Try and talk things out with your mate if you sense there is a problem. If you think that he is not listening to your needs or wants, then talk to him about increasing the communication. Great sex starts and ends with intimate communication and the willingness to listen to your partner.

Never forget the importance of communication when you're trying to bring back the sexual appetite. You may feel that telling your partner exactly what you like is unromantic. But isn't being clueless and ultimately bored far less sexy than a little intimate communication? There's nothing wrong with helping your partner out, telling him what turns you on in a sexy voice, with plenty of free time to explore the possibility.

2. A Partner Is Holding Back

One partner may be consciously or unconsciously holding back, either in sexual desire or in their eagerness to please the other partner. While it's easy to suggest a man is just being selfish or lazy in his love making routine, there is also reason to believe that there may be more serious relationship issues at heart. Why might a partner be acting selfishly? Are there issues in the relationship that haven't been resolved? If a partner is unwilling to talk about the sexual miscommunication then marriage and relationship counseling may be recommended.

3. Stress And Depression

Sometimes it's not a matter of troubled relationships but the stress of every day life that prevents the sexual spark from igniting. Try to identify the source of anxiety and then reduce the amount of stress you have to deal with. If a wife is particularly stressed on a certain day, then a husband would do well to take the initiative in making her feel comfortable and relaxed. Be kind to your partner. If you sense they are not in the mood for sex, don't push it.

4. The Advantage Of Familiarity

If you delight in pleasing your partner then you will learn how to expand that pleasure, and likewise he will return the passion to you. You will remember each other's turn ons and want to please your partner in the special ways that he/she likes--adding a dash of something erotically new and different. You easily make sex hotter by getting out of your typical rut. Read a sexy book. Visit a sex shop. It takes a little extra effort but the reward is rekindled sexual desire.

5. Lack of Knowledge

Another common problem that contributes to loss of desire is a lack of knowledge about sex and what it is and is not, what is reasonable to expect and how our body parts work (which can become distorted by depictions in porm films and misinformation from friends).

This is when sexual therapy can really help you. Not only can a sex therapist assist you in improving relationships-- she can also guide you in sex education. You will learn ways to improve your sex life, how to please your partner, and best of all, how to bring back the sexual desire that was once so strong. The desire for great sex doesn't dissipate as you grow older.

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tova@sextherapylosangeles.com